💀 What do you want to be when you die?
Dia de los Muertos and end-of-life rituals
My stepdad was dreading his 60th birthday. To him, it represented really getting old, and he was in no mood to celebrate. So naturally, his husband - my dad - threw him a Day of the Dead themed birthday party, complete with a skeleton on the front porch to greet the guests. It was the perfect embodiment of my dad’s sense of humor, as well as his style as a psychologist: tell it like it is, confront your fears and accept them. And then if you can, laugh about it. The themed party definitely got some laughs, and actually lightened the birthday boy’s mood.
Dia de los Muertos is a beautiful ritual of remembering and celebrating the deceased; it is also a direct confrontation with the thing we all want to pretend won’t happen but that is, in reality, the only thing that certainly will. Celebrated on the 1st and 2nd of November Latin America, primarily Mexico, Dia de los Muertos is day to honor our departed loved ones, in a joyful and colorful way that in turn celebrates life. During these days, the souls of the dead are reunited with their loved ones, and the living set up altars with offerings including food, favorite items, photographs, candles and marigolds. It is vibrant and raw and beautiful, and is a sharp contrast to our brush it off, and move on approach in the US. If you haven’t watched the Disney film Coco, this is your sign to cozy up with some Halloween candy and watch it!
This is the first Dia de los Muertos since my dad died earlier this year. Since I’ll be traveling with my family in Costa Rica, I won’t be setting up an elaborate ofrenda, but I will be honoring him. Especially as I take my kids on their first big trip to Latin America, an experience my dad gifted me when I was a teen. I remember crying on the plane ride home from Mexico because I didn’t want to leave. That exposure to travel, learning a new language, and experiencing Mexican culture was an integral part of my growth and set my personal and career interests in motion - something I’ll always be grateful for.
Rituals and ways to memorialize our loved ones who have died are an important part of the human experience, and necessary for processing loss. Yet they are less and less visible in our modern, individualistic, and secular lives. It feels like more and more like we are really missing out on an important time for human connection, facing our existential fears, and moving through (rather than avoiding) the intense emotions that accompany the death of a loved one.
When my father-in-law died two years ago, all the traditional Catholic rituals were meticulously followed: a wake, a funeral mass, reception, rite of committal, and nine days of praying the rosary. While I’m not catholic, there’s something comforting about having a clear set of rituals that your whole community knows and participates in, providing many opportunities to gather and collectively grieve, process, and remember. It’s also a sort of built in comfort for those closest to the deceased to ensure they have people around for support. It also eliminates many of the larger decisions about what do do when someone dies that many of us are thrown into as caregivers for older loved ones.
I wonder if we will see new rituals emerge, especially among those without strong religious beliefs or cultural ties. Our amazing local independent radio station in Seattle - KEXP - has embraced talking about grief and death, using music and community as a way to process and heal. The DJs are open about their own moments of grief and loss, and one DJ hosts an in person “Death and Music” event every November. They frequently remind listeners “you are not alone,” and it feels to me like a unique and important glimpse into the next generation of building community in times of loss. It has really struck a chord with listeners, and become an important part of the station’s programming and identity.
Beyond the goodbye rituals to celebrate a life and to help those left behind to process and grieve, there is the very practical question as to what to do with the physical remains.
Similar to creating a will and generally getting your shit together to prepare for your ultimate departure, making plans for your body isn’t at the top of everyone’s priority list. But when better to think about it than Halloween and Day of the Dead? (I’m channeling my dad’s humor a bit here).
Many of us who aren’t religious believe cremation to be the more practical option, there is also something comforting for many about being able to visit your loved one at a grave site after they are gone. But traditional burial is not only shockingly expensive, it has a significant negative environmental impact. Likely for these reasons, burials are becoming less common, with more people favoring cremation. And there are more and more options for how to do that, and for what can be done before and after to keep our loved ones physically close, than ever before.
We’ve all heard about donating your organs or tissue, or your entire body to science. I recently learned that my alma mater here in Seattle has a whole body donation program. Once the body has been used to train medical students and support medical research, they provide free cremation and return the remains to loved ones.
Most burial alternatives involve cremation, but while less-bad than burial, traditional cremation isn’t great for the environment either, releasing over 500 pounds of CO2 into the atmosphere. There are a number of alternatives that are better for the environment. One is alkaline hydrolysis, or water cremation, which is the more environmentally friendly choice (chosen by Desmond Tutu), though it remains uncommon and not yet legal in all states. Another is human composting, in which remains become soil. Your body can be placed in a giant biodegradable pod that can be planted to grow into a tree.
For those planning on any type of cremation, there is a whole growing industry of different things you can do with human ashes to memorialize loved ones in a personalized way. Once you have the ashes, many have them scattered in a memorable place, usually a body of water. Or you could put them in an urn of course, but it doesn’t have to be the traditional vessel that sits on a shelf. There are all kinds of unique options - biodegradable ones that can be planted or sent out to sea, glass sculptures, candles - the options are endless.
If you want to get more creative and really give those bodily remains a new life (see what I did there?), there are endless options for turning your ashes into stuff. I thought for sure that Alex would love the idea of his ashes becoming a vinyl record. At first he did, but then he thought about it for a second and decided it was too creepy. What song would it play? Would anyone dare to play it backward?
My mom once remarked that I could have her ashes made into a piece of jewelry. She has always loved jewelry. Maybe I will, if that’s what she wants. Though in all honesty I can’t imagine wearing her around. Ashes infused into tattoo ink is another option if you really want to carry your loved one with you every day. Once you start thinking about the options, you realize that you want it to represent yourself, but also make sense for whoever is going to be in possession of what is left of you.
For those who want to go out with a bang, you can become an explosive fireworks show, be launched into space, or for the truly macabre you can even be turned into bullets (though I’d be leery of anyone who opts for this one).
What other unique and interesting memorial ideas have you heard about? Which do you think provide the most comfort for those left behind? Have you thought and talked with your loved ones about what you might want done with your remains - or did I just leave you spooked?
Happy Halloween and Feliz Día de los Muertos!
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📚 Reads
To celebrate el día de los muertos, I had to process my grief first
Death and Dying: how different cultures deal with grief and mourning
I recently learned that "ashes" are actually just our crushed up bones and now I can't unlearn that information. Love this post and it has me thinking. I've always thought that I want to be settled and starting out at the most beautiful sea when I'm dead -- finally achieving that ocean front residence I'll never have in this mortal life.
There are more possibilities than I'd imagined. Thank you for the education, Anna!