Goodbye, Again

And When the Rich Rob the Poor

The family after spreading my dad’s ashes on Whidbey Island, WA.

I’m glad we waited over a year to spread my father’s ashes. For one, we almost spread them in the wrong place. Oops. I don’t think he would have been upset if we had set him free at the Columbia River Gorge, where he used to windsurf, which is the location we all had in mind and were collectively sure was what he wanted. At one point, it was what he wanted. But we had all temporarily forgotten that, several years before, much to everyone’s surprise, my dad had changed his mind - and his will. He wanted to be spread in the garden of their home on Whidbey Island.

It almost felt too raw and painful to do anything with his ashes immediately after he died last year, and even after the memorial. At one point there was a suggestion to split up his ashes among family, to which I had a knee-jerk horrified reaction. I now realize this is not uncommon to do, but at that time, everything carried too much weight for any plan to make sense. It was also the last that was left of my dear dad, so perhaps I just didn’t feel ready.

I think we were all a bit thrown off when we realized our almost-mistake. Both the Colombia River Gorge and the Whidbey Farm were incredibly important and meaningful in my dad’s life. I guess it made more sense to him to stay and rest in the place where he had sat out in the sun, admiring the garden, so many days at the end of his life.

We waited until all of the children and grandkids were able to be together at the farm a couple weeks ago to say our final goodbye. We all took turns sprinkling his ashes in the gardens of the farm, and walked down to the beach to set some free in the Salish Sea. It was surprising to us just how much ash there was, and how it looked like sand - bone fragments in place of the shells. I set aside a small amount for a mini urn to keep.

The visit included a tough family conversation with no clear resolutions. Blended family relationships can be their own level of challenging, and I let much pent up emotion spill out, which wasn’t easy for everyone to hear. The communication was ultimately a good thing that I hope will bring us closer, but it was exhausting. I spent about a week recovering from a vulnerability hangover.

This emotional visit came right after the week where two of my kids “graduated” (preschool and fifth grade) and all three will be going to new schools in the fall. It feels like so many big milestones are happening, but so quickly and with so much to do attached to them, that I barely have time to let it all soak in.

But then when I have quiet moments, usually right after the most chaotic ones, I am brought almost to tears with anticipatory grief about my kids growing up. Like, how is my oldest kid 2/3 of the way to 18? Can anyone else relate? I can already feel myself missing them when the are grown. Is it me, or my friend peri(menopause)? When did time start moving so much faster?

What will happen if this Big, Ugly Bill Passes?

"When the rich rob the poor, it's called business. When the poor fight back, it's called violence." - Mark Twain

Never has this quote felt more true that what we are witnessing in America right now.

My mother has dementia and resides in a nursing home. My 49-year old brother has Down Syndrome and needs 24 hour support. Both depend on Medicaid for their health and wellbeing.

The senate has voted to strip millions of people - like my mom and brother - of the care they depend on to survive.

To be clear, Republican senators voted to:

• Take Medicare and Medicaid benefits from 17 Million Americans

• Pull $1.1 Trillion from an already bare-bones Healthcare system

• Close 1 in 4 nursing homes in the US

• Take food, shelter and healthcare away from disabled people

Medicare and Medicaid have held widespread bipartisan support for decades. Without this safety net - where will people go? How will the millions of people who depend on these services survive?

And for what? For more tax breaks for the richest of the rich. Beefing up ICE to continue terrorizing our neighbors. All of which will be put on the credit card for future generations to deal with - adding $3.3 Trillion to the deficit.

If this Big Ugly Bill passes, make no mistake: it will impact every single family in America.

But it still has to go to the House. If there's a time to call your Representatives, it is now.

Photo by Alejandro De La Cruz

Lastly, I was honored to be quoted in an article by Brigid Schulte, Director of the Better Life Lab at New America, out in U.S. News and World Reports last week. She argues that the pronatalists should consider flexible work and family-friendly policies, not motherhood medals - and you will not be surprised that I agree. I shared how remote work enabled me to grow my family long before such flexibility was the norm.

I hope you are all hanging in there and finding moments of summer joy and small victories, despite the chaos and uncertainty in this country and in the world.

With care,

Anna